FREE: Angel Soft Toilet Paper Win one get 6 months free!

P.S. Wanna hear sumthin' funny? I JUST told my sister that if I get rich, I will help people by putting toilet paper on Listia! Ha.

(thanks for using your powers for good, not evil...)

Ridiculous!! This is one of the coolest auctions ever!! Grr!! I guess some people act crappy and just Flag cooler auctions just to be a...ah Nope better not say that although it would go with the TP theme...lol

You are the one of most interesting and entertaining Listians I have met, you are the (in a commercial singing voice) Ideal Balance of Softness And Strength!! LMBO!! Heard that commercial like 5 times this morning and thought of your auction. Best of Luck with it!!

Qubo is a children's channel. Yes, something like cartoon network, only they play shows with "morale" like The Magic Schoolbus, Jane & The Dragon {or something like that}, cartoons that have some kind of moral to 'em. And late at night, they play classic cartoons like He Man.

I am a little confused, having not seen this before. "the 6 months" bonus is more toilet paper each month? At first I was thinking you meant a magazine subscription (oh dear!). If, so (toilet paper with a tp bonus) - wow - nice!! Why would anyone be bugged by THAT?

Maybe that "flagging" badge should go bye bye??

By the power of grey skull!!!!!!

I still do some nights. It comes on the Qubo channel late at night!! :)

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is
bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the
differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a
baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey!
I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde.

The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper."

After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.

The redhead says, "What's so funny?"

The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"

Yeah, Katie loves the magic school bus. She likes school buses for some reason! We can be in the vehicle, going down the road, to where ever, and she'll see a school bus and start screaming "school bus! school bus!" and she runs out to Anthony's school bus every afternoon when he gets off the bus!

The first paper roll towel - the ScotTowel.
There is a story that in 1907, a teacher in Philadelphia blamed a mild cold epidemic on the fact that students used the same cloth towel.
So she cut up paper into squares and used them as individual towels.
Around that time Scott was experimenting with a new type of crepe tissue.
It was so thick that it couldn't be cut and rolled into toilet paper.
So Arthur Scott ordered it to be made into rolls of towels and perforated into individual 13" x 18" sheets.
This was called the Sani-Towels.
Advertisements said, " For use once by one user."
Success was helped by states that outlawed the use of cloth-roll towels because of spreading disease.

Maybe, Idk... I was into TMNT as a kid. My brother and I even had all of their "real" movies. And liked the Simpsons. But, I'm strange, I have always been more into books and writing and music than TV shows and movies.

this is a great listing... watching and fanned!

It's funny, I was watching last night {my kids went to sleep with it on and after I got through watching the Saw movie with my mom & being annoyed by my dad}, I went into the living room for a little bit, it was on, He Man belts out "By the Power of Grey Skull!!!" and for some reason, it reminded me of you....
And I didn't know you were a He-Man fan... Idk what it was, it just reminded me of you... :)

You don't have Qubo?

Aww I found the new one :)

MEN VS. WOMEN: BATHROOM STRATEGIES

The Man's Strategy for Going to the Bathroom:

1) Walk slowly and proudly up to the bathroom, make sure everyone knows that is where you are headed.

2) Enter the bathroom, and quickly check out the whole room

3) Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick your urinal: There must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person (on either side) to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to the wall, beside a 'safe looking' male. If this is also not available, glance at stalls, or leave bathroom, and return later, to get the right spot.

4) If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to look at the floor, feet are always good as well.

5) Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head looking down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no one will think you are trying to check them out.

6) Shake it off, put it back in your pants.
** Note Steps 7 and 8 are optional, but recommended in 45 of the 50 states.

7) Wash hands.

8) Attempt to dry hands. Look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.

9) Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you didn't forget anything.

10) Check to see if your female companion has exited the bathroom before you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.

11) Wait patiently for her return, remember to NOT say things like, "Wow, what took you so long."

A Women's Strategy for Going to the Bathroom:

1) Enter bathroom, and start checking each stall, but do NOT check the first one, first one is bad luck, even if tests prove that it's always the cleanest. Look to see what stall is the nicest looking, deciding only after checking every available stall.

2) Decide which is the cleanest stall, and try to get to it before that other ***** who entered when you did.

3) Mutter "*****" under breath, when she grabs the stall you wanted, and make a run for the one you wanted, or that skank who entered after you will get it.

4) Hang jacket and purse on hooks on door.

5) Take some toilet paper and wipe the seat, pretending you can wipe off all germs.

6) Line toilet seat with toilet paper! Germs are bad!

7) Start to take off all layers of required clothing, be sure nothing rests on the ground! Use all other hooks available if needed.

8) Sit down on toilet seat very lightly, as not to disturb layer of paper between you and the seat. Germs are bad!

9) Relax and let the flow go, but make sure your still sitting lightly, because the paper on the seat can't move, or you'll get germs!

10) Start to dispense the required amount of toilet paper from the roll. Fold into neat rectangle, and wipe all drips, very careful to not get germs from the seat!

11) Toss soiled toilet paper into toilet while standing up, watch out for the germs!

12) Start to put back on the 27 layers of clothing you were wearing, make sure it looks exactly like it did when you entered bathroom.

13) Put all toilet paper lining seat into toilet.

14) Flush.

15) Grab jacket and purse while unlocking door.

I think it's funny when you speak to me in foreign... and I have no idea what you're saying and make up a response anyway. :)

I never watched any of the transformers except the newer movies with Shia Lebeouf but I like those. Anthony does too! :)

The guy in the Pacifier.... You mean Van Diesel? How could you forget a name like that? It's not a very common name... :) He's in quite a few movies, most of them pretty good. I like the Chronicles of Riddick movies. Those are pretty cool. I seem to have a thing for musicians, and Characters--not the actors who play the characters, but the characters themselves. lol

http://www.lakeside.com/Books-%2B-Media/Humor%252C%2BHistory%252C%2BFavorites/Uncle-John%27s-Bathroom-Readers/prod370029.jmp?navAction=jump&fm=search

I found something you should check out, Berries!!
http://www.find-me-a-gift.co.uk/jokes-toilet-roll-loo-laughs-toilet-paper.html

Check that out.... reminds me of your tp auctions! :)

OK Amy, you asked for it again:
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing
home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set
her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She
seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in
her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten
her up.

Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the
other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to
her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all
right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you *****."

Currently there are about 250,000,000 persons in the USA. On the average 1 person in 7 will expend about a liter of intestinal gas per day. Since natural gas in the US is sold by the cubic foot, for comparison, we need to convert the output of intestinal gas to cubic feet. Using the assumption that 1/7 of the population expels 1 liter of intestinal gas per day that would equal about 1.5 million cubic feet of gas per day, or 550 million cubic feet per year.

The natural gas provided by The Gas Company has no odor when extracted from the gas wells. They have to spend money to add a smell. On the other hand, intestinal gas is usually quite rich in sulfur dioxide. Parts of the population generate more gas than others. The local bars and retirement centers are two prime candidates for gas collection points. To increase the collected volume make sure they serve large quantities of beer, eggs, onions, and beans.

Once the collection equipment is in place there will be no expense. No wells to sink, no speculation wells that have no gas. Just meter your collection into the Gas Company's lines at the various locations, and bill the Gas Company.

Just think, you make a good living, and the air in your local bars and retirement manors are free of sulfur dioxide.

A woman gets into the elevator after shopping at lunch time. She is returning back to work once the doors close she feels a serious ***** coming on. With nobody else in the elevator, she feels comfortable so off she goes and drops a bad one.

After having to endure the smell for a moment or so she feels embarrassed so she pulls out a can of air freshener that she has just bought. She sprays it around and thinks that's that.

At the next floor, a man gets into the lift and looks rather uncomfortable as he continues to sniff.

"Is there something wrong?" says the woman.

"Yes," says the man. "It's the smell."

"What does it smell like?" she asks. "Air freshener?"

"No," he says. "It smells like somebody has sh*t in a pine tree."

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the dinner the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one-second longer without exploding. A tiny ***** escaped.

"Spot!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go.

"Spot!" she called out sharply.

'I've got it made,' thought the fellow to himself. 'One more and I'll feel fine'. So he let loose a really big one.

"Spot!!!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he craps on you!"

16) Walk to sink, and turn on tap.

17) Put hands under running water for at least 10 seconds.

18) Lather up with lots of soap, and be sure to get anywhere on hands that was exposed to germs!

19) Rinse soap off hands under water for another 10 seconds.

20) Look for paper towel, if there is none, mumble under breath, and stick hands under blow dryer for 4 minutes. NEVER WIPE HANDS ON CLOTHING! Make your move to counter/mirror section.

21) Put jacket to side, blocking that skank who was trying to get your stall from coming next to you, and make sure your as far away as possible from that ***** who took your stall.

22) Scoff at the way the ***** who took your stall looks. Her make-up is all wrong!

23) Spread out contents of purse on counter.

24) Touch up already perfect make-up, for no reason, be sure to take at least 2 minutes doing this.

25) Organize objects when putting back in purse, a messy purse is bad!

26) Put on jacket, laugh to self at that skank who wanted your stall her clothes are gross.

27) Walk out of bathroom, tossing head at the skank who is still putting make-up on, and make sure you gasp when the ***** who took your stall scoffs at you.

28) Find boyfriend outside, wonder how he gets done so fast ... You were really quick this time!

Very interesting and funny comments on this auction. I actually read them all. What a crappy life I have that I spent a night on a free stuff site reading toilet paper jokes. I really need this just to wipe my arse and clean up my crappy life! And to whoever flagged your other auctions were so full of spit that they didn't need TP and were jealous someone else was getting some for free!!! Great auction!

And... Doesn't Listia ship from Amazon, which is a violation because the object being auctioned is not in "their" possession ???