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What's dumb?
Directions on toilet paper.

What's dumber than that?
Reading them.

Even dumber?
Reading them and learning something.

Dumbest of all?
Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.

Wait! You didn't say... would I get new or used if I won?

A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic *****. Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, "Sir! Please stop that immediately."

"Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow. "Which way was it headed?"

WAYS TO ANNOY OTHERS IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM:
The next time you are in a public restroom do one or more of the following:

* Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

* Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

* Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

* Say, "D*mn, this water's cold."

* Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"

* Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

* Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

* Say, "Now how did that get there?"

* Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

* Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

* Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

* Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

* Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

* Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.

* Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

* Say, "D*mn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

* Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

* Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

* Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

I'm the first to bid! What's my prize?? ;)

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Berry auctions are awesome! And I told everyone on FB that! :)

More people (who can afford to) should follow your example. This will really help some family. : )

Two guys were playing golf when the first one said, "I really need to take a crap!"

The second replied, "Well there's a tree, go behind it and do your stuff."

The first guy looks over at the tree and comments, "But, I don't have any toilet paper."

Being a witty fellow, the second man remarks, "You have a dollar don't you? Just use it to wipe yourself." Reluctantly, the first guy goes and does his stuff.

Minutes later he comes back with crap all over him. The second asks, "What happened? Didn't you use the dollar?"

"Yes, but have you ever tried to wipe with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel?"

I don't know much in German... only Ich Liebe Dich. Why that phrase stuck with me, since none of the others did, I have no idea!

LOL

that is awesome that you have done this, but unfortunately I do not have that many credits available atm...I hope that you did not do that just for me...I am sorry...I will keep saving so that I can afford to bid in the future ;>)

ONLY IF I had that amount of credits, (i do not have any near that amount) I would totally bid on this :>)

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came
back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks
great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at
peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your
God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go
to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the
light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he
said,"George is just fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up
during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then
(poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...

Ihr seid alle ein Haufen von Nüssen.

Haha Pointless!! But, seriously, don't send ropes! Rope burns hurt!

Yeah, you can NOT trust babblefish! It's not a very good translator at all.

I'm the almond!!! I'm the almond!!!

Have you seen those TP commercials where they're all "you wouldn't wash your dishes like this.... you wouldn't bathe like this... " and it's for those moist wipes or whatever they're called? That one makes ya think...... Just how clean is your tush when you're wiping with paper alone?

Ok, that's a little better, that comment threw some ZZ into my head, it's drowning out the Zappa!!

Hey haven't talked to you in forever!! How have you been?

nice fanned you

fanned and watching

You guys are so funny :))

lol well I got a great read from all of this. very funny stuff.

This is the most funniest comments i have ever seen on a auction ever ! LOL :o) Deff watching this lovely auction !

too funny!!

Berrrrrrriiiiiiieeeeeesssssss!!! Ok, so I just wanted an excuse to scream your name.

@Berries & Mama...did you list Toilet Paper on your Wedding Registry at Walmart?