FREE: Vinnie's - EVERYONE LIKES A MYSTERY ((L@@K at This)) MANY FREE GIFT'S GOING OUT

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

SUPER EASY CHEESECAKE

Time: 45 minutes
Serves: 6

Ingredients
--------------------------------------------

3/4 C. milk
2 tsp. vanilla
2 eggs
1 C. sugar
1/2 C. biscuit mix
2-8 oz. pkgs. cream cheese, cut into 1/2-inch cubes and softened

How to make it
-------------------------------------------

Heat oven to 350°F.
Grease 9-inch pie plate.
Place milk, vanilla, eggs, sugar and the biscuit mix in blender.
Cover and blend on high speed 15 seconds.
Add cream cheese.
Blend 2 minutes longer.
Pour into pie plate.
Bake 40 to 45 minutes or until knife inserted in center comes out clean; cool. Refrigerate until ready to serve.
Cover and refrigerate any remaining cheesecake.
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Super Easy Beer Bread

Time: 45 minutes
Serves: 8

Ingredients
----------------------------------------

3 Cups All Purpose Flour
1 Tablespoon White sugar
1 Tablespoon Baking Powder
1 Teaspoon Salt
12 Ounces of Beer (One bottle/can), any kind you like except for light beer

How to make it
-----------------------------------------------------

Preheat Oven to 375 Fahrenheit/190 Celsius
Sift or whisk flour, sugar, baking powder and salt together in a mixing bowl
pour in beer
Mix with a wooden spoon or rubber spatula until the wet and dry are just incorporated. The mix will be thicker than a cake batter but softer than dough.
Spread into a small, greased loaf pan (I use a pan that's 4 inches by 7 inches)
Place on middle rack, and bake for 45 minutes, until a toothpick comes out clean
Optional: Remove bread five minutes early, glaze the top of the bread with melted butter, or an egg white mixed with a bit of water, bake for last five minutes. For adding extra ingredients and flavors, I add most things to the dry ingredients (Cheese, apple, spices, Herbs). For honey or other liquid flavors, I add it after I add the beer and have mixed the batter.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Super Easy Shepard's Pie #1

Time: 30 minutes
Serves: 8

Ingredients
--------------------------------------------

1 pound or more ground beef
1 medium chopped onion
3 cloves crushed garlic
salt
pepper
thyme
basil
all to taste
1 can tomato soup
1/2 can or more milk
1 small pkg. frozen peas
2 cups prepared mashed potatoes
2 extra tbsps. milk
2 cups shredded cheese

How to make it
-------------------------------------

Brown ground beef with chopped onion and garlic
Add seasonings to taste
Add tomato soup and milk to ground beef mixture and cook until bubbly
remove from heat
add peas and mix well
pour into 2 qt or larger casserole dish
Prepare mashed potatoes (any dried mashed potato mix will do) as directed on box plus the extra milk.
Add more milk if needed
Spread potatoes over beef mixture
cover with shredded cheese
Bake in pre-heated 350 degree oven for 30 minutes or until cheese melts and browns
as with all my recipes, you can adjust this easily to your own tastes
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Super Easy Shepherd's Pie #2

Time: 20 minutes
Serves: 6

Ingredients
------------------------------------------

1 lb of ground beef
3 cups of instant potatoes
1 can of whole kernel corn
1 1/2 cup of cheese
1 beef bullion cube

How to make it
--------------------------------------------

Preheat oven at 350. Brown your beef in a skillet w/ bullion cube. Drain fat. Grease the bottom of a casserole dish (13 by 9). Then mix your mashed potatoes and corn and put half on the bottom of the dish. Then put all your beef over the layer of potatoes. Put the rest of the potatoes on top of the beef and pop in the oven for 10 minutes. Then take out and put your cheese on top and put back in the oven for 10 more minutes to melt cheese.

Here are my SUPER EASY RECIPES. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. :-)

Super Easy Beef Stew

Time: 480 minutes
Serves: 10

Ingredients
---------------------------------

2 pounds beef stew meat ( I used 1 Lb stew meat, and 1 Lb. Browned and drained ground beef)
46 ounces V8 juice
30 ounces frozen mixed vegetables
2 med. potatoes thoroughly scrubbed and cubed
salt and pepper to taste

How to make it
-----------------------------------

Combine beef, potato, and vegetable juice in crock pot.
Cover; cook on low for 6-7 hours.
Stir in frozen veggies and cook for 1-2 hours longer.
salt and pepper as desired and enjoy!
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Super Easy Lasagna & it Tastes GREAT!!!

Time: 45 Minutes
Serves: 6

1 1/2 pounds ground beef
1 large jar of Prego spaghetti sauce - meat flavored
1 24 oz. large curd cottage cheese
1 12oz. mozzarella cheese
parmesan cheese - to sprinkle
12 lasagna noodles - boiled and drained

How to make it
---------------------------------------

brown your ground beef / drain / then add spaghetti sauce
prepare your lasagna noodles - boil and drain
in 13 X 9 pan layer in this order:
1 cup of sauce
3 noodles - layered out to cover width of pan
1/3 of cottage cheese container - spread out
sprinkle 1/3 of mozzarella cheese and sprinkle small amount of parmesan cheese
repeat layering 3 times
after that put remaining sauce on top and remaining mozzarella cheese
Bake 45 minutes @ 350 uncovered
let cool and enjoy!

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

What $2 Can Buy

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation.

Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?"

"A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.

"Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?"

"Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."

Water in the Carburetor

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

hey vinnie , i know ive been mia for a long time nut heres my contribution to game 3
god promised man
faithful submissive wives could be in every corner of the earth
then he made the earth round
and laughed and laughed and laughed

I am new to listia so i hope i don't fend anyone
with my joke . i just think it's funny
joke -----
a muslim, a dictator and a illegal immigrant walk into a bar and the bartender said what will you have mr. president..

meat loaf
preheat oven bake 350
1lb hb or ground pork
1 egg
1 small chopped onion
1 bell green pepper chopped
a 1/4 teaspoon salt
a 1/3 teaspoon black pepper [optional ]
1 cup of regular instint oatmeal
1/2 bottle of 24 oz catchup
mix it all well
now put it all in a deep bake pan [pack ]
now add the remainder katchup over top

bakeon 350 till done

#4
Mpther Taught Me Well
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

10.My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?"

11.My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father."

12.My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

13.My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

14.And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like. hope to keep a laugh on every 1z lips......lol

ok a joke now...

What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

No Bake Haystack Cookies

2 cups semisweet Chocolate chips
2 cups Butterscotch chips
12 oz peanuts (optional)
5 (5oz can) chow mein noodles

Directions


1.Melt the chips in a saucepan on low heat. Stir in the nuts and the noodles.
2.Then drop by teaspoonfuls onto waxed paper-lined cookie sheet. Cool and then store covered in the refrigerator.

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update well it seems we have our winner with two different entries getting 4 votes each.....

so everyone dinner at (((( alisabethnash house ))))

oh we didn't tell you you have to cook for everyone. hehehe,,,,

na just kidding,,, but you do get to pick one of any item i have listed and one will be going out to the winner of the listing as well..

************* this is important listia will not allow me to update the listing with photos ....... sooooooo......

there will be a additional gift's placed in the box that the winner will be receiving and it has to do with jewelery... and other goodies that i always like getting myself.. so thanks to listia and not being able to update with photos .........

it's a mystery.....
everyone thank you for joining in and please be sure to check my listings as you never know when i'm doing another one.

i luvz, you all.. (*_*) vinnie

joke #1
Some Race Horses Were Talking

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
#2
Joining The Army

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

"You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

well looks like if Vinnie takes on all this great food the next Vinnie auction may have a new weight guess JK good luck all

Magical Compact

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk, and leans down to pick it up.

She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

hey , VIN.......a fan and watching
i really think i have gone joke crazy because of you.......its fun!!!!!!

No Tail Light

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?

This just couldnt be helped:
A blonde has been with her same doctor for 40you years, one day she goes to her doctor and says that she has a very bad discharge, her doctor says take your clothes off and put this gurney on and go into this room and wait for me because I doctor, have another patient to tend to first and so the blonde put the gurney on and then waited, doctor put her in stirrups and started feeling around first here and asked her how she felt, blonde says that feels very good but the discharge is coming out of my ear. I am a blonde too, peace

Political Correctness

I think the political correctness is getting ridiculous. Today I overheard a little boy say he was going to go play a game of Cattle Management Specialists and Native Americans.

Did You Ever Wonder?

- If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

- Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

- When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Or do you get change?

- Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?

- Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

- Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn'tit follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Here is your Frito Pie Recipe that you asked for.

FRITO PIE
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1 lb. ground beef
1 pkg. Chili-O mix
1 can Ranch Style beans
1 medium bag Fritos, crushed
1 medium onion, chopped fine
1 lb. Cheddar cheese, grated

Brown ground beef in skillet. Prepare Chili-O mix according to package directions. Combine with onion, beef and beans. Layer Fritos, chili and cheese in large baking dish. Repeat layers.
Bake in a 325°F oven until cheese has melted.
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Yum, Yum. Enjoy.

#3
A Penthouse in Heaven

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment.

The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge.

Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer.

"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important."

"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"

earnings my 1st guess ,butterflies are my 2nd guess :)

Old joke but still funny, sorry it's long....An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

this is the best joke ever......lol

Enter to win the keys to a brand new Lexus(R)GS!

Just take a short survey, and you'll be automatically entered to win.

Don't want a new car? Then take the $50,000 cash instead.

A little old woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the line, please, that's a very unusual request?"

Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"

She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in room 302."

He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber - Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."

The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family?"

She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor don't tell me nothing!"

My joke.........Two guys walk into a bar......you would have thought one of them would have seen it.