FREE: THE FUN JOHN AUCTION #1 * Need watchers and fans!

A blonde buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport.
She drives the car perfectly well during the day,
but at night, the car just won't move at all.
After trying to drive the car at night for a
week (but without any luck), she furiously
calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a
technician to her.
The technician examines the car and finds
nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde
and asks: "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the
right gears?"
Full of anger, the blonde replies: "You fool, you idiot, how on earth could you ask such a question?
I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears.
I use D during the day and N at night."

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love your auction lovie!!!! #14 F,W & B

A woman is gives birth to twins at the local hospital and passes right out, several hours later waking up from exhaustion calls the nurse to bring the babies in.
The nurse comes and and says "very nice your finally awake", the woman replies YES!! I NEED TO NAME MY BABIES!!! The nurse replies NO WORRIES HUN, their uncle named them.... the woman screams "OH NO NOT MY BROTHER, HE'S AN IDIOT!!!, .. the woman finally calms down and says ok , what are their names, the nurse says he named your daugther "DENICE" the woman sighed with a breath of air and said aww thats beautifull!! What did he name my son? The nurse replied "DANEPHEW" :p

I say to hubby, "It's your turn to make the coffe, sweetheart..." Hes says, "Well, I made it yesterday. Why would it be MY turn again ??" I say to him, "Because, dear, it has been foretold. As a matter of fact, I will bet you, it is written in the bible!...Winner relaxes, loser makes the coffee." Pause..He says,"That's ridiculous, you have yourself a bet." ................I get a bible, flip it open, and page through for a moment... Sure enough! There it was: "HEBREWS" ....Best coffee I ever had!

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

I'm going to tell a Jesus joke and I hope nobody finds it offensive. I'm Christian and I'm not offended by it, I think it's pretty funny.

Here goes.

Jesus was on the cross on top of the hill and Peter was at the bottom of the hill consoling Mary. Peter hears "Peter, Peter" and he says to Mary,
"I must go, my Lord is calling me".
So Peter runs up the hill and a couple of Roman soldiers grab him, beat him up and throw him down the hill. Then he hears again, "Peter, Peter", and he runs up the hill again, puts a ladder next to the cross and the Roman soldiers grab him, beat him up and throw him down the hill. Then he hears again, "Peter, Peter" and he runs up the hill, fights his way past the Roman soldiers, gets to the top of the ladder and says
"yes Lord, I'm here"
and Jesus says ..
"Peter, Peter, I can see your house from up here!"

Who wants to be A Blond Millionaire?
Meredith (Host): Sindy!! You made to $500,000 you are one away from the million!!! You still have your phone a friend lifeline left.
Sindy: I am so excited, let's play.
Meridith: Ok Sindy here is your final question. Which one of these birds do not build its own nest? A. Sparrow B. Humming Bird C. Cuckoo or D. Robin?
Sindy: I think that I know the answer but I am just not sure. I think I am going to use my phone a friend.
Meridith: Who would you like to call Sindy?
Sindy: I think that I am going to call Tammy (Sindy's Blonde Friend)
Meridith: Lets get Tammy on the line.
Tammy is now on the line.
Sindy: Tammy!! I am going for the million dollars, right now! I need your help with this last question. Which one of these birds does not build its' own nest? A. Sparrow B. Humming Bird C. Cuckoo or D. Robin?
Tammy (Blonde): Oh Sindy that is easy!!! It is the Cuckoo.
Sindy: How sure are you Tammy?
Tammy (Blonde): I am 100% sure that it is the Cuckoo.
Sindy: Thanks Tammy.Meridith: Your friend seems pretty confident. If you get this question right you will win the Million. But if you get this question wrong, then you will drop back down to $32,000.
Sindy: I am going to go for it. C. Cuckoo final answer.
Meridith: Tammy…You are a MILLIONARE. Cuckoo was the correct answer.
Later on that night Sindy is super excited and has a massive celebration with all of her friends and family. She invites Tammy over to celebrate with them. When Tammy arrives Sindy wants to thank her personally for helping her with the million-dollar question.
Sindy: Tammy how in the world did you know that a Cuckoo is the bird that doesn't build its' own nest?
Tammy (Blonde): Sindy…everybody knows a Cuckoo lives in a clock.

I know this isn't a joke but I love to share my late son's poems..... Enjoy
Friends
Friends are people who are always there,
When your stranded alone and need some care,
Friends are people who won't bring you down' no matter what said or roomers going around,
Friends are people who are honest and true,
Mind to you most when you feel a little blue,
Friends are people who give you advice,
If your the problem or no matter the price,
Friends are people who are happy to attend,
and don't take advantage of you,
or gossip and pretend,
Friends are people who can make a mistake,
Then later apoligize,
to the heart that they break,
friends are family near or away,
Even when they die,
in your heart they will lay,
So I recommend you go out and expect,
that your friends a real friend,
and nothing less than half perfect.
Andrew Michael Grande 9/23/1986-12/11/2009

#23 watcher
A man was drinking at the bar, he saw it was late and knew he better get home or was going to give him a huge amount of grief. So he slid off the bar stool and fell on his face. tried to get up and couldn't. So he laid there for a moment and tried to gather himself. He managed to get to his feet, but when he took a step, he collapsed. Struggling mightily he made it outside and rested, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn't get up and walk. home. However he knew he had to get home. So he fell and crawled his way home and made it to the front lawn and could get no further. He passed out. When he next opened his eyes he saw the angry face of his wife, then he heard her screeching at him
" You lousy bum!! You were out all night drinking again, weren't you?"
: No , No how could you think such a thing, I just got to warm in the house and came out for some fresh air" he said desperately
" You are lying !" she shouted " The bartender called and said you left your wheelchair there again!!!"

A husband and wife were shopping at a mall.

After some shopping the wife said, “Darling, its my mother’s birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric."

The husband replied, “How about a chair??”

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Also, is it winners choice on where the gift card is from or do you pick?

Just a warning too, be careful what you promise. If the sky is the limit you might be purchasing a gift card for $500. There are people on this site that have hundreds of thousands of credits. Heck, cupcakesmom probably has close to a million credits and you'd better hope she don't see this :)

I'm not usually one to tell people how to run their auctions, I just wanted to offer a little friendly advice. You may want to set a maximum that won't kill your pocketbook.

52 watcher here.. Great Idea I nominate you for the Listia Auction Creativity Badge!!!

Ok, here's a joke:
Two friars are having trouble paying off the belfry, so they open a florist shop.
Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God so business is quickly booming.
The florist across town sees a huge drop in sales and asks the two friars to close their shop,
but they refuse.
A month later the florist begs the friars to close because he’s having trouble feeding his family.
Again, they refuse, so the florist hires Hugh McTaggert.
Hugh is the roughest, toughest thug in town and is hired to “persuade” the friars to close.
Hugh asks the friars to close their florist shop.
When they refuse, he threatens to beat the crap out of them and wreck their shop every day they remain open, so they close.
This proves once again that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Hi everyone! John here. I'm so impressed and in awe of how cool everyone has been with this awesome auction! Apparently a few of us Listians DO have a sense of humor ;)
Please continue to check back daily for your Listia families jokes and funny stories!
Don't forget to bid and show your support!
Oh, and a BIG FAVOR from lil 'ole John..... can anyone send in requests to have this auction FEATURED? We all need a laugh everynow and then, eh?
Don't forget to like your other members jokes and funny stories...
Peace and hugs...

Fanned you~
"a scotsman, an englishman and an irishman went to the Olympics, but didn't have the money to buy tickets. The englishman found a long pole, went to the entrance and announced himself thus: "Bentley-England-Pole Vaulting." So they let him in, assuming he was a contestant.
The scotsman picked up a manhole cover, went to the entrance and announced,"McTavish-Scotland_Discus." So they let him in. The irishman looked around and found a roll of barbed wire. He picked it up, went to the entrance and announced"Murphy-Ireland-Fencing."

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
there is a joke lol

"I'm sorry to phone so early in the morning," apologized the doctor,"but I've got some news for you. Which do you want to hear first, the BAD news or the VERY BAD news?" The patient said, "Start with the bad news." The doctor said, "Well, the diagnosis is that you have 24 hours to live." The doomed man gasped and asked, "What is the very bad news.?" The doctor replied," I couldn't get you on the phone yesterday."

Why did the dog sit in the sun so much?


.................. because he wanted to be a HOT DOG! hehehehehe

Wife: Sweet heart..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...??
You've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

F & W. And here we go......
Why did the blonde have square boobs? She forgot to take the kleenex out of their boxes! :)
What do you call a redhead sitting between a brunette & a blonde? An interpreter!! :)
What is the difference between a redhead and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist...Hahaha!!! :)

Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.

“I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”

Peter said, “But I could be dead by then!”

Receptionist replied, “No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment. “

Watcher #25, this is a fantastic idea!!!!! You should get a badge for being so creative!!!

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, “I am going to get a dish of ice cream now.” Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. “I’ll write it down so you don’t forget,” she said.

“I won’t forget,” the old gent said. “But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I’ll write it down,” she replied.
“I will get you the ice cream. Don’t you worry,” replied the gentleman.

A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs. His wife said, “See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast.”

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He
asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies?
About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now
about 80 % held up their hands. He then repeated his question once
more. All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three," she replied.
"Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation
how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I
outlived every one of those idiots!"

Totally enjoying the jokes I've seen so far, what a fun idea for an auction! I don't tell jokes, but sometimes, thanks to my hilarious kids, I feel like I live in one huge funny story. One of my favorite lines ever delivered came from my five year old daughter. She and my three year old were playing outside when it started getting breezy and just barely sprinkling rain. My two year old was puzzled and asked, "what's happening to my hair?" As it started blowing in her face. My deadpan five year old didn't skip a beat in replying, "Jesus is spitting on you, Alex." I really hope God has a sense of humor. :)

*** Added a "thank you" picture for all my fans *** be sure and check it out!

One day in the great forest a magical frog was
walking down to a water hole. This forest was
so big that the frog had never seen another
animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was
chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog
said, "Because you are the only two animals I
have seen, I will grant you both three wishes.
Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a
minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish
for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be
female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash
helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was
amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting
his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I
wish that all the bears in the next forest were
female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and
immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.
The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking
for these stupid things, after all, he could have
asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for awhile
and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the
world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said,
"I wish that the bear was gay."

I don’t do windows because … I love birds and don’t want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don’t wax floors because … I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I’ll feel terrible and they may sue me.

I don’t mind the dust bunnies because .. They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don’t disturb cobwebs because … I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don’t Spring Clean because .. I love all the seasons and don’t want the others to get jealous.

I don’t pull weeds in the garden because … I don’t want to get in God’s way, he is an excellent designer.

I don’t put things away because .. My wife will never be able to find them again.

I don’t do gourmet meals when I entertain because … I don’t want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don’t iron because … I choose to believe them when they say “Permanent Press”.

I don’t stress much on anything because … “A Type” personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol’ man!!!!

GOOD MORNING LISTIANS!!! Happy Friday everyone!

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

“Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted $5,000 to compromise this case?”

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn’t heard the question.

“Isn’t it true that you accepted $5,000 to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said: “Sir, please answer the question.”

“Oh,” the startled witness said: “I thought he was talking to you.”

WOW--- I just got home from work, and had to definately check out our FUN JOHN AUCTION, and see that you guys have bid more than the gift card limit as a jester of kindness! I feel so loved to know you guys and gals are enjoying this auction!
Whoever DOES win, will be featured in a FUN AUCTION #2, that is, if you guys think we should keep it going? What does everyone think, continue to have more auctions after this one? Thanks for the kindness and warmth of your friendship. Looking forward to reading everyones funny stories and jokes. Will post more tomorrow when I wake up!
God bless and best of dreams!
John